Most of you have probably heard of the Twilight book series. Since I am a huge fan of pop culture and always want to be in-the-know on the latest trend, I decided to read the books. Stephanie Meyers has taken over Dan Brown's number one spot on my worst writer's list. As a fan of Anne Rice novels and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I was almost offended by the nonchalant liberty Meyers took with vampire myth. Despite this, I read all four books, and found myself secretly enjoying them, like some guilty pleasure along the lines of spoonfuls of peanut butter straight from the jar or OC marathons. So, to save the rest of you from wasting your time with these books, I will provide you with my summary of each one.
Book 1:
Bella is a very clumsy girl who hates weather. Edward is smokin' hot and mysterious. It turns out he's a vampire and Bella is into that. They start dating but Edward is really tempted to kill her whenever they are together because she smells delicious. Bella is cool with that. They can't kiss all that much because Edward might break her face with his super lips. Also, Edward glitters in the sun, which Bella thinks is just precious and totally vampire-like. Some other vampire also thinks Bella smells really tasty and tries to eat her but Edward and his buddies rip him apart and burn the pieces. Then Bella and Edward go to prom and Edward still wants to eat her. The end.
Book 2:
Edward decides he is over this whole scene and peaces out. Bella is really emo and doesn't talk to anyone and just sulks. She starts hanging out with this kid Jacob who is totally into her. Jacob is werewolf, but Bella is cool with it. Bella won't date Jacob because she's an idiot. Then she jumps of a cliff for funsies and almost drowns. Then she hears that Edward is going to kill himself in Italy, so she goes to Italy to try and stop this from going down. She does absolutely no site-seeing and has zero meals in the country where food is perfect. Instead, she just hangs out with vampires and convinces Edward she's not dead. Then they leave. Edward still kind of wants to eat Bella.
Book 3:
So remember that guy that they killed in the first book? He had a girlfriend and she's still pretty angry about her man being murdered, so she wants to kill Bella, but not because she smells tasty. Jacob the werewolf wants to date Bella but Bella is more of a vampire kind of girl. The crazy chick comes with an army of vampires to kill Bella, but Bella hides out in a tent while everyone else fights. The bad guys die. Edward has learned to control his cravings for Bella's blood.
Book 4:
Bella graduates from high school and promptly marries Edward so that they can have sex before she becomes a vampire. Unfortunately, MTV was not there to film an episode of "Underaged and Engaged." They go to an island and have sex for, like, 17 days, but each time, Bella wakes up with a bunch of bruises and the bed is all ripped to shreds. Bella thinks, "Worth it." This is why Rihanna got back together with Chris Brown. Then Bella finds out that she's pregnant, and at an accelerated rate. Edward is all like "Woman, we are getting this taken care of right now" and Bella is like "Noooooo, it's my baaaaabbbyyy" and Edward is like "But you will die, idiot" and she is like "worth it." So Bella is slowly dying because this baby demon keep breaking her ribs and eventually it breaks her spine and she starts spewing blood and Edward makes her a vampire to save her. Once she is a vampire, she is really smokin' hot and she and Edward have lots more sex. Then they hang out with their baby. Then some other vampires come to see what's up. The entire book leads up to a big fight. They are all ready for the fight and have all been practicing their cute little vampire super powers for weeks. Then they talk it out and part ways. Then Bella and Edward have sex again. The End.
There, now you don't have to read the books. You can just see the movies, which are sure to be entertaining in their ridiculousness.
If the Twilight series can teach us anything, it's that you can be absolutely talentless and do no research on your topic, and still become a millionaire.
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3 comments:
Hrm. I think I'll stick to Joss Whedon's vampires -- the "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" / "Angel" versions. Besides, vampires that sparkle in the sun? That's just ridiculous.
I have never, and will never, read this series, but your summary seems to be completely accurate. Thank you for this public service. Oh, and if there's one thing keeping me from being a vampire, it's glittering in the sun.
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