No Chance

Saturday, May 23, 2009
Day 5 of unemployment:

My mom woke me up at 9 am to tell me that she was taking our dog, Chance, to the vet to have him put down. I knew right away it was not going to be a good day. Chance hadn’t eaten in a couple days and this morning he couldn’t even stand up. He was the best dog ever. Here are some fun facts about Chance:
• We found him in the woods by my dad’s office. Someone abandon him there when he was a puppy, but their loss was our gain.
• Chance once jumped up on the kitchen table and ate an entire stick of butter. Other things he has eaten in entirety include: a box of donuts, a box of truffles, a loaf of bread, a bag of treats, wrapping paper
• Chance would always fall asleep on the top step of the basement and place his head on the next step up. Then he would start wheezing because he was choking himself by laying that way.
• One time, Chance was really thirsty so he drank a ton of water in one big gulp and immediately threw up.
• Chance was afraid of umbrellas.
• Chance played catch, but not fetch. Throw the ball, Chance catches the ball, game over.
• In the excitement of Easter egg hunting, we accidentally shut Chance in a closet and couldn’t figure out where he was.
• Chance never bit anyone and he rarely ever barked.
• Chance was really good at tug of war
• Chance was really adorable and the best dog ever.

After saying our goodbyes to Chance, we started to get ready for our family picture. For my grandparents’ 50th wedding anniversary, we promised them a professional family photo. What a great day to be all smiles. Incidentally, the family photo also forced me to put on real clothes. I guess a winning streak like that can only last so long.

After the picture, we went to a restaurant that smelled like dissection day in high school biology class. It was gross.

We got home and I heard my mom say “Hi Chance.” I followed her gaze and realized that the dog’s body and been wrapped up and placed right next to my futon which was in the garage and immediately got creeped out.

After Alex and Dad had dug a hole, we went out in the backyard for the funeral. We placed Chance in the grave and my mom tossed in some pig ears and tennis balls, which was meaningful, and also a good way to get rid of Chance’s toys. It was a sad moment, and then it turned gruesome when Alex started covering the grave with dirt. He pointed out a “cup” he had found when digging the hole. Turns out it was actually the margerine container we had used a year ago as a hamster casket. We all took our turn saying “Ew” or an equivalent expression of grossed out-ness, then threw in the decomposing hamster with Chance. Finally, the hole was covered and we placed a big rock on top of it. Rest in peace, Chancey.

The only good part about this day was that our neighbor baked confetti cake cupcakes for our loss. I ate three then took a nap.

After waking up, I walked over to the neighbor’s house with my parents for a drink on their deck. Heather was there with her new boyfriend, so I played third wheel for the night while they held hands and made eyes at each other. I felt this compulsion to randomly insert details of my recent dating exploits into conversations that had nothing to do with dating. Once Lauren and her boyfriend showed up, I settled into my prescribed role as the wry and self-deprecating single friend who could always make the couples laugh. It actually was a fun night, mostly because it wasn’t spent trying to steal movies off the internet and it took my mind off of losing my pet, but it made me miss certain people a little bit.

Since my parents had already left, I walked home by myself to find that I was locked out of my own house. Since my family is so used to not having me around, I guess they forgot that I was coming back. Fortunately, my mom heard my knocking and, like a stray cat begging to come in from the cold, I was let in.

It's weird not having a dog in the house.