Mystery Dream Date

There seems to be an influx of happy couples recently. Just to name a few, there are Heather and her boyfriend, Jon; Oscar and Michaela, my parents, Beyonce and Jay-Z. Happy couples are everywhere, which does not exactly make me jealous (I’m a lone-wolf and couples make me want to kill puppies), but got me thinking what I require of a potential boyfriend. So here it is, my picky list of all the qualities I desire most in a man.

Physical Attributes

• A head taller than me (according to Colleen Bott, this is the perfect height, and I agree)
• The ability to grow facial hair (this is part of the required manliness I will detail later)
• Eyelashes
• Few, preferably no, allergies
• Nice Hands! (so important!)
  
• Healthy (An overly buff gym-rat is no good, but neither is a couch potato)
• Has hair (sorry alopecia victims)
• hair must not be excessive in length
  

Characteristics

• Not a pansy: This is incredibly important and includes the following
• Does not shave legs (sorry swimmers and cyclists)
• Does not spend more time getting ready than I do
• Does not cry except in cases of tragedy and extreme joy (this extreme joy does not included weddings, but is exclusive to his own child being born or winning the lottery)
• Is not a gymnast (this would probably violate the head taller than me rule anyway)
• Eats meat
• Has more guy friends than "gal pals"
  
• Kills bugs (this is very necessary as I am allergic to bugs and cannot kill them)
  
• Played at least one sport in high school (cheerleading does not count)
• Can handle my sarcasm (probably the most important of all, as I can be mean)

• While being manly, however, this person must display characteristics of kindness, sensitivity, and caring, i.e. is not a chauvinist and does not make fun of me when I am upset and does not try to impress me with "manly stunts" such as guzzling down beer or scaling North Dining Hall.
  
• Must like my family
• Must like mammals (dogs, cats, people, etc.)
• Does not dislike Notre Dame (I don't expect everyone to love it, but you cannot dislike it)
• Is an orphan (no in-laws!) or has a family I really get along with
  
• Ambitious and goal-oriented (I'm no one's sugar mamma)
• Intelligent
• Let's me win in tennis occasionally
• Enjoys ice cream
• Financially secure (this is not really going to be an issue until I'm considering marriage (so in, like, 8 years) but I just thought I'd throw it in there)
• Does not consider country his favorite type of music
• Not a hillbilly
• Sense of humor--this is the most important quality of all. This person must be funny. I must laugh. And he must understand sarcasm and be able to take it, as well as dish it out. I haven't really decided yet if I could be with someone who's funnier than me because I really like being the funny one, but I'd take funnier than me over not funny at all (we don't want a repeat of sophomore year).

Talents: This is a list of acceptable talents for the perfect man. Possessing at least two is clutch. More than two is fantastic

• Speaks a foreign language
• Plays an instrument
• Plays a sport
• Cooks (bonus points!)
• Fixes computers
• Really good at Taboo or the Friends trivia game
• Good at gardening
• Snappy dresser
• Has several famous friends
• Can quote "Scrubs"
• Can pilot a plane
• Magical powers (as long as they are not used against me)
• Good at explaining things (this would come in handy, as I absolutely loathe explaining anything to anybody. Just ask Caitlin)

Since no one is perfect, these qualifications are more like guideline than rules. The only requirement I'm going to have to stick by is the sense of humor one. Seriously, be funny. Maybe I'll find a nice Italian guy to meet all of these requirements....Who am I kidding? Those mamma's boys cry when their soccer team loses.