Text From: Dad Cell

I'm always impressed when someone's parents know how to text. I've tried to teach mine, but have only been successful with my dad. My mom decided she needed to learn to text after hearing a news story where a girl who had been kidnapped or something let her parents know where she was via text message. After unsuccessfully sending some blank texts, my mom decided that I was too old to get kidnapped anyway and gave up on the whole text message thing. My dad, on the other hand, has joined modern times and, with lots of practiced, has mastered texting. At first, his messages were a little jumbled since he couldn't find any punctuation or backspace keys. This caused me to get messages like:
"Mom and Janet are at Beechywood mall oh no shopping loveljoo"
My dad's text messaging skills have much improved since then, but the content of the messages is still kind of strange. To fully understand this, you must first know a couple things about my father:
1) He loves trashy reality TV Nevermind that networks such as E! and VH1 target audiences of women and gay men, my dad can't get enough of Rock of Love or Dr. 90210. After watching the season finale of Tila Tequila by myself, I needed to talk to someone about how crazy it was. Naturally, I called my dad, who answered the phone with "Did you just WATCH that??? How GREAT was that?! Tila is SUCH wreck!" Comparing notes on The Girls Next Door may seem like a strange father-daughter activity, but we are really just arguing about who really loves Heff and who is just in it for the money (we have come to the agreement that Holly really does care about Heff and Kendra is just a tramp). At family dinners, it is pretty nice to have someone with whom to discuss the girls of Flavor of Love. There are some shows that I don't even watch that my dad enthusiastically fills me in on, like Gene Simmon's Family Jewels. Now that you understand (or at least are aware of) my dad's love of trash TV, you might expect that I get some trash TV themed text messages. The other day, while doing homework, I received this one from him:
"Did you see the season premiere of Dr. 90210?"
I had not seen it, but after calling him, he recounted the tales of Dr. Rey and his wife to me, insisting that I watch the episode sometime. You would think that would be the end of the Dr. 90210 texts for a bit, but the texts seemed to take on a plastic surgery theme.
Dad: "am playing golf and almost just got hit"
Me: "be careful!"
Dad: "No kidding. If I am disfigured I will have to call Dr. Rey"
Fortunately, no reality TV show doctors needed to be called, though I'm sure my dad would have been thrilled to meet the real Dr. Rey

2) My dad tells really corny jokes. Everyone's dad tell really corny jokes. When these "dad jokes" are condensed into text messages, they become that much more ridiculous. Here is the most recent text conversation between my dad and me:
Me: I got my first boxing bloody nose of the season
Dad: Great. What did the other girl look like?
Me: Bloody mouth
Dad: Awesome. I will have a piece of apple pie in your honor
Me: You were going to have pie anyway
Dad: You are right but now I will have two pieces.
I don't really know what eating apple pie has to do with a family member's athleticism, but I think my dad really needed an excuse to eat pie.

3) My dad is sometimes really inappropriate, hence this text:
"I am eating pizza at stumpys with the geezers and stumpy is our waiter"
Stumpys is a pizza joint in Port Clinton and that's not actually its name. Stumpy is the owner of the pizza place, and that is not actually the man's name. My dad refers to him as Stumpy because he has one arm. He is surprisingly agile with his incomplete arm when it comes to carrying pizzas. "Geezers" is what my dad affectionately calls his friends.

Texting is a wonderful thing, especially when it comes to communicating with my dad. It condenses all his strange characteristics into compact little messages. At least I know that if I get kidnapped, I'll have a text message from my dad to make me smile.


*Note: After my dad read this, he sent me this text:
"I hope you know second semester isn't paid yet"
I didn't have to take this post down because the next text he sent was:
"I liked it. you are still in my will. love, dad"

America's Favorite Cookie

Many would say that the Oreo is the most American cookie. The blue packaging boasts in big white bubble letters that the Oreo is “America’s Favorite Cookie.” The commercials for the cream and chocolate sandwiches show families delighting in dunking the cookies in a tall glass of milk. Older ad-campaigns gave the cookies magical qualities, spreading the mystique that those who got the half of the Oreo with the most cream could get a wish granted. The treat has even garnered its own song, “The White Stuff”, in the form of a parody of a New Kids on the Block song. Nothing could be more wholesome, more white, more American, than an Oreo cookie.
My family is big into Oreos. They are always in the car on road trips, are a staple of summer picnics, have a place on the table for holiday parties, and can be found stashed away in the most unusual corners of the house. Oreos are always on hand, so I suppose it was always assumed that everyone in my family enjoyed the treat. I don’t know why my mother never noticed that I hadn’t been eating the Oreos from the kitchen cupboard. My brother was two young to be eating solids and I had no other siblings or cousins. I guess having kids comes with the same excuse perks as having a dog. You can blame bad smells on dogs, and you can blame the disappearance of sweets on children.
I don’t know what it is about the Oreo, but other cookies have always been much higher on my list. The fake, flakey cream with the processed chocolate wafer doesn’t satisfy my craving for baked goods (probably because the Oreo is neither baked nor good). I’d much prefer an old-fashion chocolate chip cookie, but perhaps my love of the French Nestle is what made my mother call me unpatriotic.
One day, when having a picnic with my mother in the backyard, she offered me an Oreo. My 3-year-old self decided this was the as good an opportunity as any to tell my mom that the Oreo-loving gene had not been passed on to me. I refused the Oreo and said “I don’t like Oreos.” There, it was out. Now she could stop shoving that chocolate-flavored cardboard down my throat and buy me some Chips Ahoy. However, my declaration of Oreo-independence did not go over as smoothly as I had hoped.
“You know,” she said calmly, separating the cookie halves of her Oreo and inspecting which side had more cream, “Oreos are American. If they find out that you don’t like Oreos, they can kick you out of America.”
Much like an Oreo disintegrating in milk, my world crumbled around me. Kicked out of America? Where would I go? What would I do without my family? I don’t know anyone who’s not in America! I believe this whole experience was my first memory. Ironically, it was also my first time feeling impending abandonment.
Of course, my mom was just being sarcastic. However, my 3-year-old brain could not really process the subtleties of sarcasm yet, so imbedded in my subconscious to this day is a strong link between patriotism and Oreos. I’ve always recognized my dislike for Oreos, but it took until I was in college to recognize that I still eat them whenever they are offered. I guess I still have this fear of someone finding out that I do not like “America’s Favorite Cookie” and subsequently being deported. Looking back, at every road trip, picnic, school function, sleepover, First Communion, and school lunch, Oreos have been present and I have disdainfully, but patriotically, eaten them.
My neurotic eating of Oreos has subsided partly because I now realize that I will not lose citizenship because of my cookie preference, but mostly because the slogan for Oreo has changed to “World’s Favorite Cookie.” They can’t very well kick me out of the world. However, if they ever get that community on the moon up and running, I will be back to publicly eating Oreos and secretly despising them. But knowing my family, when we travel in our spaceship to the moon, Oreos will be in the cargo space right along with the moon-shoes and spacesuits.

Sucky Charms

The day I moved out of Vail to head back to Ohio, I was, as usual, running late. Oscar was getting into the Denver airport at 2:00 to help me drive back and my plan to leave Vail at noon fell through when I decided that I needed one last slice of high altitude pizza. I ended up not starting out on the 2 hour drive to the Denver airport until 1:30 and was in such a rush that I forgot my drivers license in the washing machine (my usual storage place for important documents). I sped down Matterhorn Rd., leaving my neighborhood fondly known as “Matterhood”, past the Gore Creek, onto route 70, and drove away with the mountains at my back. After I had passed all those familiar exits and reached cruising speed on my way over Vail pass, I finally relaxed from my hectic exit. I took a deep breath, took one last look at the mountain range through my rearview mirror, and it finally hit me—I had escaped Vail. What in May seemed like an impossible summer at a blasé company in a hippy town where I would be expected to camp turned out to be a fairly fun summer with some crazy kids at a hard-working company where I would learn a lot. Nonetheless, I was thrilled to be going home. I yelled out a “woohoo!”, blew those mountains a Hollywood kiss, and sped off for Denver. About 5 seconds after this I hit a rain pocket, slowing all driving to a near crawl. The “goodbye, mountains” gesture would have been a lot cooler if I could have actually sped away.

There are a few things about Vail that I get a bit nostalgic about, because I know I will not experience them anywhere else. The intern house, for instance, is probably/hopefully the closest I will come to living as an actual peasant. I suppose the problems with the house were part of its charm. It was kind of fun, grabbing a piece of foil from the kitchen to stick in the door of the dryer so it would work and then crossing your fingers that your clothes would actually come out dry. Since the dishwasher flooded the kitchen with soapy water every time it ran, it also served as a convenient floor cleaner. This feature especially came in handy during parties. During the last intern house party, someone spilled a beer on the kitchen floor. Instead of grabbing some paper towels, my roommate Chris pointed at the dishwasher and shouted “Run that thang!” I wasn’t really in the mood for a foam party, so I opted for the paper towels, but the running the dishwasher to clean up a spill was definitely a viable option. The only problem is that the water made the floor expand, causing the tiles to crack and pop out of the floor. Instead of picking them up and throwing them away, we all found it better to play a never-ending game of soccer with these tile pieces. The bugs in the house also gave it some character. It made the house feel like a cabin or a garbage can. Tiny flies gathered all over the kitchen and then would stick to the wall to die. There was a whole tiny fly graveyard on the wall above the sink. I’m sure they chose that spot as their final resting place because of the beautiful views of piles of unwashed dishes coated in various Mexican dishes from weeks before.

The house could have been a lot worse, and I guess it was. Soon after I arrived there, the oven door, which had been shattered, was replaced. The heat, which never shut off, was also fixed during my stay. And right before I got there, the crazy neighbors were evicted for stabbing each other with a lamp. I really should be thankful for the pit I lived in. Considering the location, its probably the world’s most expensive junk heap.

Another thing that Vail has that is really lacking in the rest of the country is hitchhikers. I didn’t realize that people still did this, especially with all the urban legends you hear warning you against it. But Vail is a town stuck in the past—they love the old West, Native Americans, and hitchhikers. I saw about 2-3 hitchhikers a week. Vail has a pretty good free public transportation system, so I really don’t know why hitching is so popular, but I guess it is a bit more intimately social than taking the bus. I really only became aware of the popularity of hitchhiking when a coworker, Drew, brought it to my attention. One of the many perks of living in the intern house not knowing who will be sleeping on your couch that morning. As I groggily trudged downstairs to grab a breakfast shake before heading to work at 7 am, I noticed that Drew was just waking up from his night on the thrift-store couch. I offered him a ride to his house, but he refused, saying he would just hitchhike back. I thought he was kidding, but he assured me that it was a reasonable transportation option and that people around Vail were nice enough to pick people up. Sure enough, he got a ride back, and I started noticing hitchhikers everywhere. There was a teenager with a skateboard begging a ride at the front of my neighborhood. A businessman in a suit stood at the entrance of the highway with his thumb out. I never picked up one of these strangers. Vail residents might be nice enough to give these people a ride to the next town, but I’m from Ohio and I know that any one of them could be a serial killer.

Vail is a great place to go if you aspire to be an alcoholic or if you are looking to live in a community for alcoholism is accepted. As you drive into Vail on the highway, you start to notice bright orange signs advising against drinking and driving. When you are officially in Vail, these signs occur about every mile. I don’t doubt that Vail residents play a drinking game while driving on the highway where each person in the car takes a shot upon spotting one of these anti-drinking signs. Though there is a lot to do in Vail during the day if you’re into extreme physical exertion, there’s not much to do at night. There is one movie theater about 15 miles away and no bowling alley, but there are plenty of bars. Each night has a different “it bar” to go to. For example, Sunday and Monday are devoted to open-mic nights, White Trash Wednesday is a local fave at Sandbar, and on Fridays, you can go to the top of the mountain, where all there is a trampoline and drink specials. Vail obviously has a drinking problem. The rest of Colorado needs to stage an intervention. Maybe the alcoholism is part of its charm. If everyone was sober, maybe they would leave Vail, too.

Despite all the “charms” of Vail and the my bleak outlook at the beginning of the summer, my internship experience turned out to be pretty good. I absolutely loved the work and know now more than ever that television production is my career of choice. I also know more than ever that I never want to live in a mountain town. It’s very pretty and a great place to vacation, but I think the lack of oxygen makes people a little crazy. Plus, I’m not really outdoorsy beyond eating al fresco. I did learn a lot, met some great people, and came away with some good stories. So goodbye, Vail! Consider this my second attempt at a dramatic speeding off.

The Mountains Are Alive With the Sound of Music

Vail is a very musical place in the summer. The concerts range from classy philharmonic orchestras, where the summer-home owners dress in “Colorado formal” (good walking shoes and khakis) and enjoy their picnic baskets of wine and cheese to the free modern music concerts that serve as a venue for the entire town of Vail to get drunk in the same place. I have experienced both ends of the spectrum and each has its good qualities. However, my favorite music experiences in Vail have nothing to do with the typical performances going on in the Valley.

Ethan, one of the other interns, and I were scheduled to get some interviews from attendants at the free concert that’s held every Tuesday at the For Amphitheater. We grabbed a tripod and camera and headed out to our shoot, but were stopped at the door leading out of the studio by Jack Sparrow dressed as an 80s rocker. The lanky man had big black hair tied back with a bandana, skinny jeans with a leopard scarf and handcuffs on the belt loop, a tight white muscle t-shirt, and enough eyeliner to put Good Charlotte to shame. He was beautiful. He met us at the door, saying in a thick British accent, “Are you here to take my picture? Is this the interview? You have to meet my band. Come now, you’re going to take our picture.” Before Ethan and I could protest, this rock god had his arms around our shoulders and led us to where four more of him were standing in front of a van. I quickly set up the camera and handed them the mic and let the magic happen. Looking back, I should have asked better questions instead of just letting them babble into the mic for 8 minutes, but the result was still glorious. The band’s name is Gypsy Pistoleros (and if you check out their myspace, you will find their great cover of Ricky Martin’s “Livin’ La Vida Loca”). Vail was simply a pit stop on their way to the Whiskey A-Go-Go in L.A. as part of their U.S. tour. I hope they made it there, because they kept going on about how much they loved being in Vegas until I reminded them that they were in Vail, not Vegas. They quickly changed their tune to how much they loved the mountains. At the end of the “interview” Ethan asked them to give a shout-out to the TV station. One of the lanky, big-haired rockers took this to mean holding the microphone to his crotch and giving the “rock-on” symbol with his other hand. It’ll be tough convincing my boss to let me use that shot.

As the rockers got back in their van to find Vegas or L.A. or Ricky Martin cover fame, the man who originally wrangled us into the interview kissed my hand and said, “My, you’re cute. Are you sure you don’t want to hop in the van and come to California?” It was tough to say no, but I had a shoot to get to and no desire to become a groupie.

My week transferred from U.K. rock to Swedish disco. I’ve seen Mamma Mia onstage several times, I saw the movie version on its opening night, and now my ABBA trifecta is complete with the ABBA cover-band “Arrival’s” concert. When I heard that Arrival was coming to Beaver Creek, I was worried that no one would want to go with me. But Shauna, always up for the off-beat and potentially un-cool, brought up the concert before I had a chance to ask her. We dressed up in our most disco-gear and headed to the Vilar Center to be dancing queens. We were the youngest people there, but not the only ones dressed up. Though most were in Colorado formal, some donned boas and big hats and white pants. Our enthusiasm for the concert did not match our seating. The tickets were free, so I guess we should have expected the absolute last row in the balcony. Once the show started, however, someone was kind enough to give us tickets on the floor, dead center, about 8 rows back from the stage. Mamma mia, these were great seats! We didn’t stay in them for long, however, since the dance floor that had been cleared out directly below the stage was calling our names. We joined the plastic soccer moms and geriatric gay men for some fun disco at the base of the stage. The band itself was great, especially the costumes. The women in the group did not seem to be big fans of wearing pants, and the men were rockin’ their white platform shoes. All were incredibly Scandinavian looking.

The concert was fantastic, even amid the drunken shouting of a particularly plastic woman on the dance floor, but that actually added to the experience. Though the philharmonic is nice, and the free Tuesday concerts have their inebriated charm, give me fake-ABBA any day.

Colorado Mountain Expressed

One of the first things I learned about Vail when I moved there is that it is best to take the Colorado Mountain Express from the Denver International Airport rather than the Greyhound bus. My boss informed me of this with of an air of disgust upon even mentioning the Greyhound. Since Vail is a resort town with a hefty price tag, I pictured the CME as a luxury vehicle that catered to the wealthy and beautiful. As it turns out, it is nothing more than a glorified taxi.

The CME is a large white van driven by a foreigner and packed to the gills with ski bums and rich housewives. As long as it gets me from point A to point B, I really have no problem with it, but the two hours of silence while being squished between a cashmere covered woman and a grizzly looking man is not ideal.

When I arrived from Orange County into Denver, I hopped on the CME and happily secured a window seat. Everyone else in the van seemed typical enough, but it seemed we were missing one passenger. Donna stumbled towards the white van, her loose fitting top falling off, her drawn-on eyebrows melting in the mile-high city heat. She had bleach-blonde hair and lips filled with collagen to the point of bursting. I could tell right away that she would be disappointed by her travel arrangements. As soon as she got to the door, she announced that she got terrible car sickness and needed to sit in the front. An elderly man named Norman was already sitting in the front seat and barely paid this woman attention. Donna proceeded to get graphic with her insistence that she would vomit on everyone in the van if she were not allowed to sit up front. The only available seat left was next to me, so it was more probable that most of her predicted projectile vomit would end up on me, so this didn’t really seem to bother the other passengers. The van full of Vail-goers stared at this frantic and drunk woman as she tried to get us on her team. “This man won’t give me his seat!” she whined, pouting her inflated lips to the point of making her look cartoonish. “I get really car sick and I will probably vomit, so I’m sorry if I puke all over you, but because of this dickhead up front, that’s just going to happen. I’ll pay for your dry cleaning bill.” I was starting to get nervous because no one seemed to care about this forecasted vomit storm and I really hate barf. No amount of free dry cleaning could make up for 2 hours of sitting next to a carsick stranger. Fortunately, when Donna saw that no one was budging (and when the van driver realized just how hammered she was), she decided to stay the night in Denver. “I have a really hot guy in Denver. He’s really hot. Look how cute he is.” Donna provided everyone a glimpse at her good man fortune by showing a cell phone picture of her Denver hottie. I guess she thought this would make us jealous that we weren’t staying in Denver with a hot guy, but it would take more than that to make Norman budge from his seat.

Before she left, a woman in the van asked her if she had a blue piece of luggage. Apparently this woman had seen Donna earlier when Donna had asked a stranger to watch her luggage and then disappeared. Tired of waiting for Donna to return from the bar, the stranger turned the piece of abandoned luggage into the Hertz counter. The woman in the van kindly informed Donna of this, and Donna explained that she “just got a divorce.” I’m not sure how that justifies leaving luggage with strangers, but then again, I have never been divorced, so who am I to judge?

After Donna’s remaining luggage was pulled of the van, the CME hit the road for an awkward 2 hours of silence, save for the Queen CD that was tepidly playing on the van’s stereo. About an hour in, I decided to make some light conversation with the woman whose liver-spotted arm was squashed against mine. This woman turned out to be the worst conversationalist in history. I happily listened to her talk about her recent trip to Dublin, her 9-month old terrier, and her second home in Vail. She failed to ask one question about me. I don’t need conversations to be all about me, but asking simple questions about the other person’s background is conversation 101. If I were this woman, I would want to know at least a little bit about the person I was describing my business trips, education, and extended family to. I gave her plenty of jumping off points. I connectedly threw in how I spent a semester in Rome, that I was from Ohio, and that I was only living in Vail for the summer. She seemed disinterested at best in these personal factoids. Even when I would respond to her stories with the occasional “That’s great!” and “How lovely!” she gave me a side glare that seemed to suggest that I best stop interrupting her with the formalities of human interaction. This conversation was all take and no give on her part. My last futile attempt to change her monologue to dialogue was when she said “This coffee is great.” I responded casually with “Yeah, I should have gotten a grande. This tall just isn’t cutting it.” She looked at me as if I had rained on her latte parade. I was quiet from then on and she found a new, less vocally responsive audience.

I arrived back in Vail, glad to get off the CME, but not so glad to be back in the valley. My vacation was officially over and in less than 12 hours, it was back to work. But I was happy to get back to the Vail Transportation Center vomit free.

Tee'd Off

Golf and me have never really gotten along, though I do have a respect for the sport and a sense of nostalgia for it. My dad is an avid golfer. Some of my earliest memories of him involve listening to the dulcet tones of a TV golf announcer mixed with the jarring sounds of his snoring on a Saturday afternoon. Maybe that’s why I’ve never been a golfer myself—I’ve always equated it with naps in reclining chairs. That, combined with my fear of golf carts and my inability to hit the ball off the tee in the first 6 swings, makes my attitude towards golf very lukewarm. However, I do like golfers. There’s something about a polo shirt and a country club membership that just gets me. I’m usually not a fan of the prepster, but I can’t resist an argyle sweater vest or two-toned shoes.

The TV station that I work for has a daily morning show that includes guests from local businesses. One morning, a golf pro came on the show to discuss the activities going on at the Vail Golf Club. He had blond, curly hair, a strong jaw line, and looked to be about 17. He had to be older, since he claimed to have graduated from both high school and golf school. I had no intention of going any further than ogling him, but the producer of the show had other plans. She eyed him up, decided he wasn’t her type, turned to me and said, “Ohmygod you should totally go for him! He’s a total cutie and golfers are really hot.” I asked this love guru how I should go about “totally going for him” and she suggested that I just casually ask for some golf lessons. I ended up not getting the chance to make my ridiculous request because golf guy dashed out of the studio after his interview as if he could sense the female plotting going on. He ran out so quickly, in fact, that he left his fleece. The producer decided that the forgotten fleece was tangible destiny—a sign that golf guy and I were meant to be together. I just saw it as some more intern tasks to get done for the day. I called golf guy’s work number and cell number and sent him an email, informing him that I had his fleece of fate.

I finally got a hold him after undoubtedly freaking him out with my fervent concern about his outerwear. He said he would pick it up the next day. Sadly, I would not be at work the next day. But not to worry! The producer had a brilliant resolution! I could just leave my number in the pocket of golf guy’s fleece! Well, the jacket had no pockets, but I had just enough confidence to scrawl “Call me sometime if you want to hang out” on a piece of notebook paper with my name and number and stuff it in the fleece. Golf guy picked up his fleece 5 weeks ago. I have not heard from him. This might have something to do with the 80 degree weather we’ve been having. In the fall, when the weather is fleece appropriate, and golf guy slips his arm into his jacket and finds my number, I hope he calls. Then at least I won’t feel really stupid.

Another experience I had with the Vail Golf Club occurred at the actual golf course. I was assigned to shoot a 30 second commercial for an upcoming golfing event. The commercial had already been written, actors had already been provided. I was basically just a rented out body with camera so that the organizers of this event could shoot their commercial. I showed up to the driving range to find my crew: Bobby would be playing Bink, a clueless 70s news anchor (audiences should be able to deduce this from his ugly sport coat and one cartoonishly delivered line). Barbie would be the deliverer of information, annoyed at Bink for his earlier mistakes. Kirk was the director and creative input for this piece of art. Kirk had brought his own cables, microphone, and headphones, and insisted on using his instead of the one’s I had brought. He also insisted on calling Barbie his “mate”—not his wife, not his girlfriend, not even his significant other—his mate, as if they were actually two penguins who had exchanged pebbles. I could tell Kirk would be trouble when he asked me what my official title was. I daftly told him I was an intern, which apparently gave him permission to check all of my shots and only allow me to hit record. Kirk has no idea what a good shot is. When I would suggest ways to improve the composition of the shot or ways to simplify later editing, he would reply that this shoot simply did not allow for such artistic moves. If what I was suggesting was art, then it was minimalism.

The commercial started out with Bink saying “There’s a tick shot clinc going on!” Barbie then interrupts him with, “No, Bink, it’s a trick shot clinic!” and then continues on with the details of the event. When I first heard the script (and then heard it repeated 700 subsequent times), I had to restrain myself from offering to rewrite it to not sound like man’s first attempt at comedy. At the end of the ad, Bink gets his comeuppance for his earlier faux-pas when he gets hit in the head by a golf ball that flies in from off screen. I realize local commercials are usually not the greatest, but this has to be one of the worst attempts.

What made it even more excruciating was Barbie’s inability to master her lines combined with Kirk’s devotion to the execution of his “vision.” Barbie did not deliver her lines with enough excitement, or enough correctness, so she had to redo each line 1200 times, each time no better than the last. A particularly difficult line for Barbie started with “the beautiful Vail golf course”, which she kept saying as, “the Vail beautiful golf course.” She made this mistake at least 30 times in a row, frustrating both Kirk and those who had spent years teaching Barbie to deal with her dyslexia.

I thought the shoot would only last a half hour, an hour tops. It took 2 and half. After finally being released, Barbie offered to buy me a drink to make up the extra time the shoot took. A drink, even with these crazy folks, sounded better than going back to the office. I wanted a refreshing Tom Collins, but everyone else ordered beer and I didn’t want to be the only one to order hard alcohol at 3 in the afternoon.

I spent the next 2 hours, sipping Stella and listening to Kirk talk about his suggestions for local TV. Kirk has a problem with advertising on television, which is strange considering he claimed to have been working in advertising “since childhood.” His hope for the station I work with is that it avoids giving into the man and selling out. “I just want to see what your manager does when some really boring company comes to that station with a ton of money,” Kirk said. “Say I’m the Nazi party and I call up your manager and I say ‘Hey I’ll pay you $300,000 to run my ad. It’s a free country!’ Those corporate people in New York will tell the manager to take the money, but if he’s a real man, he will refuse it and be true to what that station really is. So I’ll be interested to see what he does when the Nazis come.” I nodded in agreement, because I truly would be interested to see what my boss does if the Nazis ever ask to advertise on Vail local TV, though my concern doesn’t have to do so much with selling out.

The conversation switched from local TV to the growth of the Vail Valley to horseback riding. I told Kirk my death-defying horse accident. He responded with a lukewarm, “Yeah, that’ll happen.” No, that will not just happen. Falling off, yeah that’ll happen. Getting kicked in the head, now that’s a stunner. But nothing could impress Kirk. I didn’t really even have the chance to try because I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. When he finally reached a pause in the conversation/stopped to take a breath, I said I had to get back to the office. Kirk invited me to film the actual golf event next week. I said I would be happy to. I’ll do anything to spend more time with people I can’t stand.

Where the (Undesirable) Boys Are

The ratio of men to women in Vail, Colorado is four to one. These seem like favorable odds. However, this town is not the flirtation fairy tale one would imagine. Allow me to break down the men of Vail:

15%: In Relationships
25%: Ski Bums who, after college, decided that skiing and bartending would be the best use of their philosophy degrees
30%: Ski Bums who, after high school, decided that skiing and bartending would be the best way
to continue smoking pot with their friends in the 7/11 parking lot.
20%: Old people
5%: My roommates/coworkers
4.99%: Educated, steady job, fairly normal
0.01%: Educated, steady job, fairly normal, sarcastic
100%: In love with Vail


I think you can see where the problem is. I'm surrounded by men 24/7, and maybe I'm being picky, but I'm just not interested in a guy when he suggests we go white water rafting for a date. Though this is more adventurous and unique than your typical dinner or movie, I feel that rafting would be quite literally moving too fast for a first date.
Even the task of simply meeting men is difficult. At Notre Dame, it is guaranteed that there will be at least a sprinkling of eligible bachelors any given night at any given bar and, by virtue of attending the same school, you are guaranteed to have at least one thing in common with all of them. I suppose living in Vail (which isn't exactly the "real world" but is a step outside the ND bubble) is a taste of what the social world outside of college will be like. It's not so easy. Public places contain more than just my peers. Since I don't climb mountains and am not in love with Vail, it's difficult to find common ground with anyone. However, I did manage to meet a guy the other night. I was at a Johnny Cash cover band concert (that's right--and it was awesome) when this 40-something Gary Busey look-alike tried to coerce me to dance. Since the ol' "I have a wooden leg, like Heather Mills, so I can't dance" line doesn't work anymore since Ms. Mills stunt stint on Dancing with the Stars, the only defense I had was a series of "umms" and uninterested looks. Gary Busey eventually went away and then this less crazy, decent looking guy commiserated with my misfortune of attracting lunatics. At first, we didn't really say much, but casually stood next to each other while watching fake Johnny Cash walk the line. Then after some small talk, we found common ground, or rather, rival ground. He graduated from Boston College in 2006. I did the usual rattling off of every Notre Dame football player and statistic I knew to make it look like I'm a football expert. Even though it only takes about a minute to say Zibikowski, Quinn, Clauson, Weiss, and rebuilding year, we managed to chat until fake June Carter left the stage. This guy seemed alright, and given my surroundings, he seemed great. I could even get past the fact that he wants to get the Vail Valley logo tattooed on his calf. I mean, how many well-educated, Catholic, decent-looking, finance majors are there out there? (I'm talking outside Notre Dame, which is the hub of such a gentleman). Fake Johnny Cash and his crew left for the train for Folsom Prison and I left for the car back to the intern house. I told BC guy I was leaving, and he gave me a simple "Ok, bye!" then disappeared. Never was there mention of getting my number. There wasn't even so much as a handshake. Too bad for him, as I was just desperate willing enough to give him my number. I may have found him on facebook the next day, but I didn't want to be a creeper. Plus, if he didn't have the guts or smarts to ask for my number, then I've severely overestimated him.
As much as I balk about the men of Notre Dame, it seems that those are the type I'm seeking outside of the dome. Maybe Notre Dame trains us for that. The Irish ladies set their standards to a type, the only type available for four years of their relationship formative years, and then are doomed to search outside the bubble post-graduation for the kind of guy they once deemed a tool. I'm beginning to understand the "ring by spring" phenomena--I'm not subscribing to it or supporting it, but I do see how it is preventative of real word shock. As great as the Notre Dame guy sounds, it seems that prospects are not looking good in the South Bend front. Caitlin is spending her summer in South Bend and, in response to my desire to return to the campus to find "not stupid boys", she reported this
"Everyone in this town is icky or practically married (or both usually). Where are all the eligible SB bachelors i was excited about?"
It's true. It seems that all the Notre Dame fellows who aren't hopelessly nerdy or accounting majors have been snagged up by ugly girls (this sounds cruel, but I swear that the ugliest girls get the guys. However, it is a mystery as to what came first--the ugly or the boy). What I am most perplexed about is this generational penchant for long-term relationships. At what point did all the attractive, intelligent, not crazy men decide that they all wanted long term girlfriends? They are really missing out on potential pimphood.
Despite all this "woe is me" single girl talk, I'm really not desperate. I was just looking for a distraction for the summer and a reason to play "Summer Lovin'" on my iPod. I'm still holding out hope for single girls under the dome for Fall 2008. Until then, I'll just continue to be surrounded by unavailable, undesirable guys.