All My Single Ladies

Allow me to tell you a little bit about my friends. They are all beautiful, charming, intelligent, fun-loving.....and single. That last adjective doesn't seem to belong in the category, but unfortunately, these wonderful and very available ladies can't seem to find a boyfriend. I could go on about men fearing independent and intelligent women, but I think Oprah has the market cornered on that one. And I could talk about how my friends and I need to open up our hearts to more possibilities, but I don't completely buy into that. Instead, I would like to discuss what I feel is our main issue: We are completely and unforgivably awkward.
I will admit that "awkward" is a term that is thrown around way too much these days, along with "random" and "literally", but my social circle's case, it's pretty valid. Having grown up with mostly female friends and having had 2 or fewer serious relationships throughout our lives, my group really doesn't stand a chance. How are we supposed to know how to act around boys? We've always been taught to be independent and to never dumb ourselves down for a man. But no one taught us how to flip our hair while batting our eyelashes or laugh at a boy's sad attempt at a joke. Of course, we know the basics of femininity--hair, fashion, makeup, poise--but we don't take it to the extreme of slutty-ness, catty-ness, or lower-back tattoos. The resulting product of such a combination of social graces is a pretty woman who has her life together, but can't get men to see her as worth pursuing. Maybe it's because we look like we don't need men. Or maybe it's because we stay in the friend zone. Or maybe it's because we say awkward stuff like the following:

While at a bar on Friday night, a man approached Caitlin and said, "Do you dance?" Her response "Not competitively." When he grabbed another chick and moved to the dance floor, it dawned on Caitlin what he really meant.

At a bar one weekend, I was trying to get the bartender's attention so I could get a pitcher for my friends. I was waiting patiently, lost in thoughts, when a man next to me said, "Why are you so upset?" I automatically responded with, "Oh, no, I'm not angry. That's just my face." He quietly turned to face the girl on his other side.

In trying to give Emma flirting tips, Caitlin and I (the obvious experts on flirting) were debating between the methods of tactile flirting. Arm touch or chest touch? After assuring Emma that either would work, we went to a bar to demonstrate. Caitlin did her best to lightly touch a man's chest as she was talking to him and I made sure to occasionally touch the arm of the man I was talking to. Neither of us got phone numbers. Emma never used our methods and she has a boyfriend.

At a party, I made the mistake of wearing a shirt from the time when monogram clothing was popular. My shirt had a big rhinestone "E" in the corner, giving me that coveted Laverne-look. A boy came up to me and attempted to make a joke about the "E", saying "Does that stand for...easy? or...excellent...or...ummm.." I stopped him from going any further and jokingly said, "If you don't have anything clever to say, then just move on and talk about something else." Hurt, bad joke guy walked away. My friend Kristina was appalled and said, "Why were you so mean to him!" "What, it was a bad joke." I said. "Yeah, but he was a BOY"she said, flipping her hair and giving bedroom eyes to a boy across the room. Kristina is also single.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that we make plenty of mistakes, but who doesn't? Is there really any surefire way to get a guy's attention or to flirt? Flipping my eye and giggling for me is really just the equivalent of wearing a push-up bra--it's just a deception to make you more attracted to me. Even if I tried to cover it up, any guy would soon discover that I am sarcastic and independent and not at all the delicate flower he had hoped for. So my conclusion is that my friends are great women and deserve great men. So until the men step it up a notch, we're all going to be single and awkwardly lurking the bars.